Here comes the sun

There is something about this time of year. In the darkest of days when I am waiting for the sun. As I daydream of sitting outdoors at a cafe, feeling the breeze against my skin, the sun shining on the people I am watching, while I sip a cup of tea, I can't help but wonder why not. Nothing about this daydream of mine is impossible. Not even with my health. I have been letting so much slide, so much of what I really want and enjoy slide. The reasons I can not do all the things I want are very real. But today, knowing the days are getting longer, brighter again, I am instead focusing on all the small things, the simple wants and joys like this, that I have been letting slide, in the torrent of all the rest of things I can't do.

I am not sure yet where I am going with this. Like most things, I put this blog on hold because I could not give it the daily attention I thought it needed. But if I let go of the expectation, if I just let myself post for the simple enjoyment of it, when I feel like it, isn't that what it is really here for? If you enjoy it too, all the better of course.

I gave into this wild selfishness today. I did my nails. I was not going anywhere. I did not have company coming over. I did it just because I enjoy looking at my hands and seeing it. For some of you this might be a DUH moment. I am so great at playing the martyr. For my family, friends, heck, even myself. But not for my joy.

What simple things bring you pleasure?

I might burn the house down, but you can laugh all you want.

Have you ever had a nightmare that freaked you out for years? Except it was not a nightmare, it was a manifestation of a phobia. That happened over ten years ago, and then again last night.

I have been sitting here for a while trying to figure out how to explain it in a nice neat blog post. But I can't. So instead I will copy and paste excerpts of what I wrote to a friend last night:


Never mind never sleeping again. Went to pee before bed and felt something on my shoulder. I thought it was my hair so I went to brush it away and a god damn house centipede ran across my chest. I am now screaming at the top of my lungs frantically trying to brush their s thing off of me. And I am still peeing. All down my leg until I finally get it off me.

And DH comes to the door and asks me if I am okay. Which I am not. And may never be again.

So he comes in and I am standing there shaking. Naked. Pee running down my leg. Pointing at the place this thing has run. Trying to tell him to kill it and he manages to get the point, kills it and starts laughing at me.

Now he is settling down to sleep and I am twitching every time the wind blows.

Laugh all you want. Just tell me how to make the horror end.

There has to be some sort of natural predators to the things. They are one of the only bugs I am terrified of.
Maybe some lizard. I could breed them free range in my house.
Lizard poop is totally preferable to this experience.

He is now snoring and I want to die.

I can not think clearly.right now. I just want to grab my family burn down the house and start over.
This is the second time in my life these fuckers have attacked me from above


So dear readers, I am running on almost no sleep, twitching and jumping, and terrified of peeing. You are welcome. Also, do not google how to get rid of them because this leads to pictures of the creepy ass mustache fuckers which TOTALLY DOES NOT HELP THE TERROR.

Son of a

I had just dozed off to sleep tonight, when I heard voices. Not inside my head, thank you very much, but honest to goodness voices. In my house. At almost 1 am. I wake Bear up. "Do you hear that?" says adrenaline filled me. He identifies it as Not Dangerous and off I go to figure out who needs grounding.

I call out. All goes SILENT. Now I am pissed. It is bad enough that you were up late watching something when you were supposed to be asleep. It is worse that it was loud enough that it woke me up. But now you are going to try and convince me it is in my head? Oh hell no.

Throw the hallway light on, and I can see Indy sound asleep. Little Bear looks like he is sleeping too. Perhaps it is The House Guest, but she would have shouted out a quick apology for waking me, and all would have been right with my world. I got to take a closer look at Little Bear and spy that his blanket is glowing. Snatching back the blanket I discover that he has snuck his tablet up to bed and is watching youtube.

At one in the fracking morning.
After I had let him stay up late to play a game with us.
Pretending to be sleeping after waking me up.

So I have a touchpad that will be locked down if he ever gets it back for anything other than school work.I also now have enough adrenaline rushing through my system from the ZOMG Intruder Alert!!! wake up that there is no way I am getting back to sleep any time soon.

At least I have a Little Bear that will be doing all the smelly sweaty manual labor for me for the foreseeable future, right?

Pondering

I once again and in a place where I am trying to figure out if we can make Homeschooling work for us. I had really wanted to do the New Jersey Virtual Academy with them, but the teacher's union won this round, and it has been refused it's charter (LOVE teachers, dislike the NJ union).

One of the reasons I had decided to put the kids in public school was my health. However a number of things have happened since I sent them to school. They are of course older which means a huge increase in independence. If I am having a bad day, as long as I have prepped well, they will not miss any work. Also, while I still have bad days, they are certainly not the endless weeks of pain I was in years ago.  I can push to make it to local classes, where getting off the couch was impossible for a while there. 

I know without a doubt it would be a smart move with Little Bear. His learning and socialization styles both lean that way, as do his wishes. He has already maxed out the system's math and sciences for his age, and they won't move him ahead in just those areas as he is age appropriate in the other subjects.

Indy is another story though. Educationally she would benefit from it. She needs more individualized attention in some areas than the public school system provides. She ends up frustrated and feeling less intelligent than she is because she is so incredibly social that she wants to play instead of committing the information to memory. This leads me to wonder if I do bring her home, if I would stunt her socially. Not that homeschooling means lack of socialization, but is it the volume of socialization she craves? Where is the line between socialization and education?

This summer is an experiment of sorts. Not doing camp this year. Seeing how they respond to my educating them a small bit each day. Seeing if I can keep up with her socialization needs, and challenge him academically. All while not stressing myself and putting my health as a priority. Wish me luck *L*

One of those days

Today has been one of those days as a parent we don't talk about enough. The kids were not perfect, and neither were we. There was loss of patience, fighting,  whining and crying. But it was a good day because there was also talking, hugging and laughing. We made baby steps in communication. In understanding each others points of views. In compassion.

 So while I am worn out tonight, and not from the silly giggles of being on rides today, it was a good day, because there was progress.