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Thursday, December 10, 2009

In which I am angry and curse. Cause that never happens.

I have been trying to write this post. About how fucked up I feel. And frustrated. And helpless. How turtles on their back are starting to look like a good life goal.

I am totally aware it is not that bad. How lucky I am in SO many ways.

But right now? I hurt. And I am sick of hurting. I am not supposed to be driving. Esp. not at night, and rarely during the day. Right now, due to new medication, not really at all yet, till I adjust. And hey, my knees are sucking so bad I can't walk to the store either.

The most frustrating part is hearing a few words over and over again. "Idiopathic" being the MOST frustrating of them all by far. "Inflammation" is just the new black. And "wait" is somewhat equal to sandpaper.

I have been mostly avoiding posting because even I am sick of listening to me. But those of you who have seen/talked to me recently *know* something has not been right. And I guess it is not really fair to keep blowing you all off.

They are testing, AGAIN, for something auto-immune. The most recent Rheumotologist* said to me "there is no reason a healthy 31 year old should be having this many problems". And he was smart and kind and is trying to help me, but I just wanted to scream... WHY DO YOU THINK I AM HERE?!!!

How do I explain to these doctors that they have to figure it out? That I HAVE been waiting. That it has been TWO YEARS of waiting since the first random lump appeared? 10 years or longer since the "idiopathic" stomach pain started coming and going? That I can't homeschool my kids anymore because I feel like shit? That I just want to have ONE WEEK without having to take a fucking pill or another, that most of the time causes more side effects than helps, and really they are just guessing anyway? That I am still scared, EVERY MORNING to wake up and be blind. That maybe this time the pain in my head is a fucking stroke.

That I want my mommy and she can't drive right now either, so they need to hurry up and fix one of us.

And I have spent the last two days LEAKING from my face. Tears and snot. And not feeling sad. Just MAD. Maybe this is the new meds I am on. Maybe this is hormones. Any which way, clearly keeping this shit to myself and a small handful of other people is not working.

I think I am REALLY starting to understand the spoons thing.

*Why is it that my spell check has Herpatologist but not Rheumatologist?

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